Our Miscarriage Before Our Biggest Blessing.

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October 2013.
I’ve already had one appointment at 8 weeks and it went pretty well.
I was 10 weeks pregnant. Woke up in the morning took Curtis(my husband) to the airport and headed into work. Around noon I got these really sharp pains in my lower abdomen. I headed to the hospital because the pain was not going away and felt like it was only getting worst. They sent me for some tests and did an ultrasound. Until this day I swear I heard a heartbeat but maybe it was wishful thinking. They took me back into the ER room they assigned me and a lady Doctor came in. She said “There are 2 things wrong, the pain is from a cyst that you have on your ovary. The cyst is so big it is pushing your uterus over. The cyst has to be removed. Second thing, you have miscarried which looks like twins, you miscarried about two weeks ago but the pregnancy has not left your body yet.” I remember her saying that to me and my eyes just filled up with tears. I am not good at expressing my feeling out loud especially to those I don’t know. I said “Wow, thank you for letting me know, but now what?” She said we can have everything surgically removed but in a few days.” My cousin was with me in the room and she asked “Are you ok?” I really wasn’t sure but my response was “I will be.”

They discharged me and sent me home with paid meds which didn’t help one bit. I told Curtis everything via text because I just couldn’t talk about it and didn’t really want to. I remember sitting in CVS’s parking lot and crying thinking “What if I can’t have kids? How unfair would that be to Curtis? What did I do wrong to cause this miscarriage?” I remember texting him back and forth just expressing everything and the worst part was he was far and there was really no point of him flying back home to be with me because there was nothing he or I could have done. All types of thoughts crossed my mind. My two Best Friends and MIL came over that night just to see if I was okay. By the time they came I had pulled myself together, got my crying out of my system and decided to throw my hands up and believe that this is all in God’s plan. For almost a year I would say to myself “Today I would have been 4, 5,6…9 months pregnant”,”The baby would have been born now” etc.

I remember before getting pregnant I had a dream which is so clear to me until this day. I was in the hospital and I just gave birth, one of my cousins was holding my baby. It was a girl. A beautiful light skinned, dark curly haired girl. Now the part that stood out was, in the dream I wasn’t prepared for her, I remember searching formula isles and trying to find the right formula to give her. I am no dream interpreter but Curtis and I really were not ready for a child during that pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage. We would have made a way but we were not ready to give our child the world and everything he/she deserved. For the next few weeks I would have people ask me “How’s your pregnancy?”, someone even touched my belly without knowing what happened. I am a strong person and I was able to hold uo and tell them “no, there’s no baby. I miscarried.” At the time it was hard to say and I really didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. I erased it from my memory for a long time because it was just easier that way.

July 5th 2014 we decided to try again and once we knew we were pregnant I was so scared to share the news because I didn’t know what the pregnancy would be like. God blessed us with a Beautiful, Funny, Loving, Amazing baby girl. I appreciate her a 10000% more because of what I’ve went through.

My reason for talking about it after so long is because I know miscarriages are very common. Some with no reason behind it and others with medical reasons attached. They are both hurtful because it is a loss. Women are more vocal about their experiences, their pain, their state, etc. Where men close up and keep their feeling bottled up.

Don’t be afraid to talk about it. Cry about it. Just remember time heals all wounds, maybe not all the way but it does. If God takes something/someone from you he has a bigger blessing coming your way.

Feel free to e-mail me if you are in need of a listening ear. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger than the ones closest to you.

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